Posts Tagged ‘Funny Stuff’

How to put rubbish out … Coolah Style

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Step 1 – Go outside to put something in the bin.

Step 2 – Realise the bins are on the wrong side of the gate so bring them over, while simultaneously picking up about 5 more things that the kids have dropped round the backyard that need to go in the bin. This is then followed by picking up all the toys until they are neatly stacked against the house.

Step 3 – Unpack bookshelf from outside and drag 101 pieces inside, grab the pressure cleaner and clean the SHIT out of the back pergola area, allowing the moving dirt and sand to drag you out the front where you finish cleaning and then rinse over the car. This requires you to move power points three times and hose locations twice.

Spend 1.5 hours moving outside chairs, sliding the table half way across the pergola area so you can clean behind it, slide it back. Wash over the kids ride in cars as one left a Bounty in the back and it resembles nothing like a bounty. Realise the only fact you know it was a bounty is you can still smell the coconut when the pressure cleaner attempts to remove it. Be amazed at how strong the smell remains and wish you could find equivalent scent for your soaps!

Finish cleaning. Pack up pressure cleaner. Pack up hose 1 and 2, push all chairs back into table, re-plug in fish tank you accidentally un-plugged, wash dirt off legs, come inside and collapse.

As you are reclining in your computer chair re-hydrating, notice the rubbish on the bench you originally went to put outside. Slap forehead.

ShareStep 1 – Go outside to put something in the bin. Step 2 – Realise the bins are on the wrong side of the gate so bring them over, while simultaneously picking up about 5 more things that the kids have dropped round the backyard that need to go in the bin. This is then…

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A Cat’s New Years Resolution List

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  • I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
  • I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.
  • I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
  • I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
  • I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
  • We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any human’s bed while they’re trying to sleep
  • I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
  • I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
  • When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
  • When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
  • The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
  • I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
  • When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock.
  • Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
  • I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
  • I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
  • Any critter that lives in the house (other kitties), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set Mischief free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
  • The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
  • I will not put a live mouse in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
  • I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
  • I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
  • I will learn to relax at the vet’s office so they will start writing things in my records like “Good Kitty” and “Sweet Kitty” instead of the stuff that’s there now like “MEAN!!” “BITER!!!” and “GET HELP!!!!!”
  • I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
  • I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
  • If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
  • A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap…….

Share I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean…

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